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Getting Past the Breakup

What should happen after a breakup? What emotions can you expect to go through? Most importantly when will you know that you are over it, and it's time to move on? For a lot of people these answers aren't clear, and they move on before they are truly ready. What this does is create a foundation for that pain to impact your next relationship, but we don't consider that. All we can see is the immediate need to escape the pain we are in.

Have a process and trust it!

With all the chemicals running through your body, the human element of connection, and peoples nature as creatures of habit, breakups, even with bad partners, are never easy. You are essentially removing a part of yourself, and a part of your life. But there are ways to deal with them effectively, and make sure you are truly ready to move on.

The first thing you can do is be decisive. Some breakups are like Yo-Yo’s. Up and down, up and down, and this causes them to linger longer than they should. Once a decision is made to end the relationship, rip the band-aid off. Don’t linger in the pain of loss, allow yourself to start the healing process right away. Be confident, that you are making the right choice, and embrace that choice as a gift of liberation to yourself.

Your body will continue making those “in love” chemicals at first, because it’s been your routine for however long. The best way to force your body to stop those chemicals is to stop the patterns that create them, and also to stop thinking about them. I know that’s easier said then done, because all it takes is seeing an old picture, hearing a song, visiting a special place, reading their name to resurface those feelings but you have to consciously fight it. That's also why you have to distance yourself from patterns that will expose you to those elements consistently.

Be prepared for the internal fight. Create a mental file cabinet, and in it put three great memories that don’t involve your ex. Whenever you find yourself starting to think about them, go to the file cabinet and pull one of those memories. Immerse yourself in that thought instead. The sooner you can minimize these thoughts the sooner you can stop your body from producing those chemicals and sever the tie.

Being in a serious relationship you spend a lot of time with your partner. So when a relationship ends, you may find yourself with a lot of idle time. Find something to occupy that time as soon as possible. What are some things that you did before the relationship, get back to them? Pick up something new, like learning a new skill. Even visit friends and family that you may not have spoken too/seen in a while. Anything to keep yourself busy, and your mind occupied.

Writing is a very powerful form of expression. Very powerful. It can create realities, and it can transmute feelings. As an exercise write out two to three letters to your ex. The goals is to express all of your anger and hurt in these letters. Feel free to say whatever you want, using whatever language you want. You are NOT going to mail these letters. Just write them, and at the end, burn them. As they turn into ash and the smoke bellows upwards, imagine your hurt and pain going with them.

One of the most important aspects of a breakup is in what you learn from it. Turn your failure into a lesson that becomes a gift in your next relationship. Actually do an analysis where you ask questions like: what did you like about it, what did you hate and never want to experience again, what drew you to them, what were the red flags you ignored, what could you have done differently? Ask and answer these questions, and actually pull from here on your next go around.

One of the most counterproductive things to do in a breakup is rebound. Don’t let your pity-party take you down the road of feeling helpless and like a victim. Because the first person that comes along that can seemingly fix it, will draw you in. It’s self-preservation to avoid feeling pain. But in doing so, you may be subconsciously attracting someone just like the ex that put you in that hurting place. Give yourself time to process, and get back to who you were as a single person. You’ll know when you are there, and ready to date again, because the thought of your ex won't invoke any emotions. Not even anger or sadness. When you do look back there may be things you see that were so obvious, you feel stupid for staying as long as you did.

Give yourself time to heal, give yourself time to grieve, give yourself time to sever the connection and completely get over a person. Timing is everything, and if someone comes along that seems right, but you aren't ready, then either they will wait until you are ready, or they just aren’t the one. Trust that everything happens for a reason, and trust the process.

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